what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
