why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
