every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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