How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
