Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
