You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
