Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
