You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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