i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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