Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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