I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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