Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
