She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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