Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
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iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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