So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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