Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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