I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
