New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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