The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
