Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
