Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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