Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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