I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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