We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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