I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
