Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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