I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
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i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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