I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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