peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
