Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
