I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
