How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
