I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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