I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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