we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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