just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
