Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
