when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.