When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
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"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
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I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.