you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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