I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
