So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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