i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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