The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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