Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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