woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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