Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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