She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dear god my vagina.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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