I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
