I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
