my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
