Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
