she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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