my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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