I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
